BIG Questions Institute Update

October 23, 2025, No. 192 (Read Online)​

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Dignity is Non-Negotiable

I'm delighted to turn this issue of the BQI Update over to our friend and thought partner, Rosalind Wiseman. Rosalind has been on a quest to help people put words to experiences they struggle to articulate and bring dignity back into our families, schools, work, and communities. She is the best-selling author of nine books, including the New York Times bestseller, Queen Bees & Wannabes, the inspiration for the Mean Girls movie and musical franchise, and she contributed to David Yeager’s recently published book 10 to 25: A Groundbreaking Approach to Leading the Next Generation And Making Your Own Life Easier.

You may recall a few months ago Jane Shore contributed a piece to this newsletter that also explored the Mentor Mindset, which Rosalind discusses here, from a complementary yet slightly different lens. We hope that the insights shared here will support you as you rethink respect and see dignity as the non-negotiable.
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Stuck Between Cruelty and Kindness: Rethinking Our Approach to Bullying

Guest Post By Rosalind Wiseman

In the thirty years I’ve listened to young people describe their social conflicts and bullying their complaints haven’t changed. Adults don’t give realistic advice. Callie Holterman’s recent article “Bringing Back Bullying?” revealed why. Our approach about bullying swings between two extremes. One says getting bullied toughens kids up through humiliation; the other preaches that bullying will stop if we teach kindness and compassion.​

The first approach doesn’t build character—it breeds dictators and obedient followers. The second doesn’t cultivate empathy—it breeds cynicism and social incompetence. Both options skirt what young people need: emotional intelligence, self-control, social skills, and adults who create learning environments where dignity isn’t negotiable.

Instead, adults politicize bullying, turning our kids’ safety and emotional health into a battleground for adult egos and ideology.​

Trying to convince adults—left, right, and center—that you can't teach “character” with sound bites like “just be kind” or “just punch them back” can feel futile. But there’s a way forward that helps children build emotional strength and a moral compass—if we are willing to do the hard (and honest) work it actually takes.

Rethink Respect

While respect is the constant drumbeat in our schools and both sides think respect is a magic bullet, ironically it is part of the problem. Respect is too often a stand-in for deference. It can be demanded without being deserved and weaponized to silence critique. Dignity is different. It names nonnegotiable human worth. Here’s the magic for young people: Treating someone with dignity looks the same as treating them with respect. But the experience of it is entirely different. One feels like submission. The other feels like empowerment.

The Truth About the Group

To young people, being part of a community is the crux of adolescence. But the drive for acceptance can corrode integrity; it tempts kids (and adults) to stay silent in the face of cruelty and intolerance in order to keep their seat at the table. We absorb those lessons early, pass them down, dress them up as “wisdom” or “tough love,” all to keep ourselves safe—until our silence becomes complicity.

Teens Are Experts-We Need to Listen

Ask a teenager about the last anti-bullying assembly they attended. Or tell them “things just got out of hand” when a group of their peers humiliated them. Danah Boyd argued more than a decade ago that most kids don’t want to talk about bullying because we don’t appreciate the complexity of the dynamic. In 2023, when I assisted David Yeager as he wrote 10-25, he called it the “Adolescent Predicament”: because young people are constantly weighing choices between doing what’s “right” but risking social acceptance, or remaining loyal at the risk of harming yourself or others.

Again, this is not just relevant for young people, we live this legacy today.

Yeager also defined two typical adult mindsets: the Enforcer who has high expectations but low support or the Protector who has low expectations but high support. Both alienate kids. One makes them hide problems; the other coddles, making accountability optional. Neither builds the resilience or social intelligence we all say we want.

Embrace the Mentor Mindset

What works is the “Mentor Mindset;” holding young people to high standards while offering high support. It means believing they can do hard things and giving them the skills to accomplish them. It means acknowledging to young people that they’re the experts of being young right now.

So instead of responding to children with cliche advice, imagine you’re a parent and your child bullied someone. You don’t shame, deny, or bail them out. You hold them accountable according to your family values and help them plan how to face their peers; because saving face matters but so does being honorable. What if you’re the target’s parent? You acknowledge their feelings, thank them for confiding in you, and tell them that you can work together so you have some control and agency.

What we also need to do: Don’t label every conflict as bullying. Separate “rude,” “mean,” “drama,” and “bullying”—words matter. Stop using parent chatgroups as witchhunts to decide which child is a bully or what administrator “did nothing.” Honor children’s feelings but remind them they pass. Recognize young people’s challenges and differences, but don’t coddle them-every child can do hard things. .

The Real Work

We have spent too long letting kids’ needs get trampled in the crossfire of adult agendas. Giving them dignity, high expectations, and high support isn’t being nice—it’s the minimum for raising humans who know their worth, have moral courage, and build genuine community. If we want kids to be braver than revenge and safer than silence, we have to get out of the way with our one-size-fits-all solutions. Let’s choose purpose, principle, dignity, and hard work instead of sides. The future demands it. So does basic decency. So does our democracy.

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Learn (and Partner!) With BQI

Are you ready to review or work on a new strategic plan for your school? Does your Board or Senior Leadership Team need up-skilling or alignment? Are you striving to build a more joyful, welcoming, futures-embracing culture? Or do you need coaching to reach your next professional milestone? How about implementing a thoughtful AI approach?

We love accompanying schools and leaders through their unique challenges.

Contact Homa Tavangar: homa@bigquestions.institute to schedule an exploratory call.